Sunday, July 17, 2011

Free Will

At what point in your life does free will matter?

When your free will impinges on other peoples free will who wins?


Well in DH’s family, Free Will only counts if you are over the age of 50.  Any one under that age is a tool to be used at the older generations convenience.

Does one persons desire’s out weigh other people’s convenience, peace of mind, and even their needs, simply because of their age?

It certainly seems to in that family.

I don’t understand how these supposed Christians can live with themselves?  Doesn’t the guilt invade their minds?  Perhaps that explains all the anger issues.

I am realizing that family has some deep running psychological issues, that need to be treated.  Every single one of those children has some serious anger and control issues, which they seem to think they have the right to inflict upon the younger generation.  Who by the by, does nothing right, if they attempt to think on their own.

When does it end?

No one is allowed to show they care.  No one is allowed to step outside of the expected and accepted behavioral standards, that they have determined and which change at their whims…. usually when one of them breaks it. 

Can this older generation do no wrong?  Can mine do no right?

Free Will only takes you so far.  MIL was/is making decisions that put some serious burdens on other people…. is it her right to do that to her children, in-laws, and grandchildren? 

According to her siblings it is, and she has every right to make those decisions , because that was what she wanted, and to Hell with everyone else. We were there to serve her…. whether we were capable of doing so or not.  The siblings who decreed that we would do it, never even thought about helping, and were offended that we thought they should, because well… their obligations are more important that ours, or so they seem to think.

I were also told off quite severely, rather threateningly to tell the truth, for expressing my opinion on the matter…. because that would burden her.  Her brother told me that I was mean, judgmental and accusatory. 

I am sorry that I actually care for my MIL and don’t want to see her die! 

I swear the woman wants to die, and she doesn’t see any problem making the rest of us absolutely miserable in the process.  Including her grandchildren…. innocents.

According to all her siblings she has that right… and it is our duty and obligation to accommodate those desires, because it is her Free Will, even to the point of endangering other people, those outside the family.

The Dr’s opinion didn’t matter either…. probably because he wasn’t over 50 either.

When will the insanity end?

Friday, July 15, 2011

So Done

Sometimes I am just ready to walk away.

I talked my children into staying in Oregon, leaving friends in the lurch, to see Granny.

Well Granny isn’t seeing us, and isn’t doing anything about it.

I am just so angry, we made a huge sacrifice for nothing…. we left really good friends to try and help with family…. all we have achieved is upset slighted children, and parents.

She won’t believe me that things need to be taken seriously, probably because I am too young….. its so stupid and I am so angry.

Its just maddening. She still isn’t telling the truth…. she may not be out right lying, though I know for certain that she has lied to me, mostly I think that she is just not telling…. but really why bother going into the hospital and get all the tests done… they wouldn’t have done them if she had told the dr her real history in the first place.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

My son nearly died today

He was so excited about going swimming, and he was just right there, on the step, holding onto the rail.

Then he was just gone.

We pulled him out and he was purple, and not breathing.


It was like a miracle when he started breathing again on his own.

I don’t think I have ever been so scared in my life.

He looked and felt so lifeless when we pulled him out.


I don’t know what to say or do…. other than to thank God for pushing me at just the right moment to do that head count and realize that he wasn’t where I had told him to stay.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011


It is fundamental to our lives and relationships…. so why don’t we do it very often?  Why does almost everyone I know wait until their relationships are close to crisis, or they are extremely unhappy with something before they are willing to talk about it, especially when talking about things in their early stages would prevent so much heartache to begin with.

Is it the way we are made or is it the way we are raised?

I can’t figure it out.

There are some things that I am afraid to talk about, I think there are somethings that DH is afraid to talk about as well.  For different reasons and I am sure different subjects.  I don’t understand a bunch of his points, that is for sure.  How in the world does he think that I am more free than he is?  He only has to work around his work schedule, while I have to work around all the kids and his work schedule… and one thing he certainly can’t complain about is me clinging on him all the time and not letting him do stuff, like so many other men complain about.  He has actually complained about it the other way, that I don’t need him enough.  It would drive him up the wall if I was one of those “needy” women that couldn’t deal with life on my own.

I just simply wasn’t raised to be that way.  My father very early on instilled the need to be able to function on my own without someone to take care of me.   One thing my parents did not instill was the need for communication though, they never talked much, and neither did DH’s parents for that matter. 

There are things I regret, of course there are, I have said and done things that I shouldn’t have, there are also things that I wish I had said and done that I have never been brave enough to do.  I sometimes wonder what my life would look like if I had been braver at an earlier point in our marriage, before we fell into some of the ruts we are in now.

Nope I have to be unfailingly supportive though, even when decisions being made are not the ones I want made.  I have had my reasons, like for instance, coming to WA would open up new job opportunities and would really improve our lives, even though the last thing in the world I wanted to do was leave AK…. life improvement… HAHA… I don’t know that there is such a thing for DH.  When we moved down he told me that we would be able to move back up again in just a couple of years… and I thought “Ok we can do this for a couple of years.”  Now we are 5 years down the road and there is no end in sight for life in WA… true, we did just buy a house and that was largely on my instigation, but we aren’t going anywhere, the economy stinks, we don’t have a lot of money… and we are good and stuck.

So I am working on writing my book… it is a long time dream of mine to write a book, I have hopes that it will be good, I think that I have the ability to make it so, it just getting it done.  I am getting it done, it is just slow going, I hope that I am not pinning too many hopes on this project of mine… it be able to pay off the house in 5 years… that is my goal.  Only time will tell if I will be successful. 

Wednesday, June 15, 2011


Well, I guess my idea of a budget is completely blown… Might explain a few things though.  I still don’t think that we typically spend that much money on groceries, though it is possible with the way the prices have been going up.

J decided that he was going to start paying attention to the bank account and where all our money is going.  Well its not going where I thought it was.

Why does everything have to cost so much money… everything costs.  Hes asked why I haven’t done any of the things that I want to do though at the same time.. gaah… you can see why I haven’t I done any of it….

some of it is time, I very rarely have uninterrupted time, because if one of the 5 children don’t want my attention then my husband does.  So where does that put me?  It puts me spending too much money on things that I never manage to get done, that’s where it puts me.

And he wonders why I am convinced that I am pretty much incompetent at life……..

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Writers block

Never really suffered this before at least not for something that I wanted to write.

The last couple of days I have been just staring at my story and I am feeling terribly uninspired… what do I do?

perhaps I should work on writing something else until I feel a little more inspired.

Saturday, February 26, 2011


We have been homeless….  it is an interesting experience.  We have been trying to buy a house and it is a much slower process than I expected it to be.  It has been a very educational journey, as has buying a house.  We started off with one that we thought we would pay off and move on from as soon as possible and have ended up with a home that we are going to be in for the foreseeable future, which is really probably better for us in the long run.

In the meantime we have been staying with friends and family.  That alone has been a really enlightening experience, both for us and them.  We stayed with some friends first and over all it was good, we learned things, like just how much work our kids are capable of.  It was amazing!  Now we are at my sisters, which is also interesting, though it is in a different way.  It has really made me realize how little I socialize normally and that I need to do it more.