Free Will

At what point in your life does free will matter?

When your free will impinges on other peoples free will who wins?

 

Well in DH’s family, Free Will only counts if you are over the age of 50.  Any one under that age is a tool to be used at the older generations convenience.

Does one persons desire’s out weigh other people’s convenience, peace of mind, and even their needs, simply because of their age?

It certainly seems to in that family.

I don’t understand how these supposed Christians can live with themselves?  Doesn’t the guilt invade their minds?  Perhaps that explains all the anger issues.

I am realizing that family has some deep running psychological issues, that need to be treated.  Every single one of those children has some serious anger and control issues, which they seem to think they have the right to inflict upon the younger generation.  Who by the by, does nothing right, if they attempt to think on their own.

When does it end?

No one is allowed to show they care.  No one is allowed to step outside of the expected and accepted behavioral standards, that they have determined and which change at their whims…. usually when one of them breaks it. 

Can this older generation do no wrong?  Can mine do no right?

Free Will only takes you so far.  MIL was/is making decisions that put some serious burdens on other people…. is it her right to do that to her children, in-laws, and grandchildren? 

According to her siblings it is, and she has every right to make those decisions , because that was what she wanted, and to Hell with everyone else. We were there to serve her…. whether we were capable of doing so or not.  The siblings who decreed that we would do it, never even thought about helping, and were offended that we thought they should, because well… their obligations are more important that ours, or so they seem to think.

I were also told off quite severely, rather threateningly to tell the truth, for expressing my opinion on the matter…. because that would burden her.  Her brother told me that I was mean, judgmental and accusatory. 

I am sorry that I actually care for my MIL and don’t want to see her die! 

I swear the woman wants to die, and she doesn’t see any problem making the rest of us absolutely miserable in the process.  Including her grandchildren…. innocents.

According to all her siblings she has that right… and it is our duty and obligation to accommodate those desires, because it is her Free Will, even to the point of endangering other people, those outside the family.

The Dr’s opinion didn’t matter either…. probably because he wasn’t over 50 either.

When will the insanity end?

So Done

Sometimes I am just ready to walk away.

I talked my children into staying in Oregon, leaving friends in the lurch, to see Granny.

Well Granny isn’t seeing us, and isn’t doing anything about it.

I am just so angry, we made a huge sacrifice for nothing…. we left really good friends to try and help with family…. all we have achieved is upset slighted children, and parents.

She won’t believe me that things need to be taken seriously, probably because I am too young….. its so stupid and I am so angry.

Its just maddening. She still isn’t telling the truth…. she may not be out right lying, though I know for certain that she has lied to me, mostly I think that she is just not telling…. but really why bother going into the hospital and get all the tests done… they wouldn’t have done them if she had told the dr her real history in the first place.

My son nearly died today

He was so excited about going swimming, and he was just right there, on the step, holding onto the rail.

Then he was just gone.

We pulled him out and he was purple, and not breathing.

 

It was like a miracle when he started breathing again on his own.

I don’t think I have ever been so scared in my life.

He looked and felt so lifeless when we pulled him out.

 

I don’t know what to say or do…. other than to thank God for pushing me at just the right moment to do that head count and realize that he wasn’t where I had told him to stay.

Communication

It is fundamental to our lives and relationships…. so why don’t we do it very often?  Why does almost everyone I know wait until their relationships are close to crisis, or they are extremely unhappy with something before they are willing to talk about it, especially when talking about things in their early stages would prevent so much heartache to begin with.

Is it the way we are made or is it the way we are raised?

I can’t figure it out.

There are some things that I am afraid to talk about, I think there are somethings that DH is afraid to talk about as well.  For different reasons and I am sure different subjects.  I don’t understand a bunch of his points, that is for sure.  How in the world does he think that I am more free than he is?  He only has to work around his work schedule, while I have to work around all the kids and his work schedule… and one thing he certainly can’t complain about is me clinging on him all the time and not letting him do stuff, like so many other men complain about.  He has actually complained about it the other way, that I don’t need him enough.  It would drive him up the wall if I was one of those “needy” women that couldn’t deal with life on my own.

I just simply wasn’t raised to be that way.  My father very early on instilled the need to be able to function on my own without someone to take care of me.   One thing my parents did not instill was the need for communication though, they never talked much, and neither did DH’s parents for that matter. 

There are things I regret, of course there are, I have said and done things that I shouldn’t have, there are also things that I wish I had said and done that I have never been brave enough to do.  I sometimes wonder what my life would look like if I had been braver at an earlier point in our marriage, before we fell into some of the ruts we are in now.

Nope I have to be unfailingly supportive though, even when decisions being made are not the ones I want made.  I have had my reasons, like for instance, coming to WA would open up new job opportunities and would really improve our lives, even though the last thing in the world I wanted to do was leave AK…. life improvement… HAHA… I don’t know that there is such a thing for DH.  When we moved down he told me that we would be able to move back up again in just a couple of years… and I thought “Ok we can do this for a couple of years.”  Now we are 5 years down the road and there is no end in sight for life in WA… true, we did just buy a house and that was largely on my instigation, but we aren’t going anywhere, the economy stinks, we don’t have a lot of money… and we are good and stuck.

So I am working on writing my book… it is a long time dream of mine to write a book, I have hopes that it will be good, I think that I have the ability to make it so, it just getting it done.  I am getting it done, it is just slow going, I hope that I am not pinning too many hopes on this project of mine… it be able to pay off the house in 5 years… that is my goal.  Only time will tell if I will be successful. 

hmmm

Well, I guess my idea of a budget is completely blown… Might explain a few things though.  I still don’t think that we typically spend that much money on groceries, though it is possible with the way the prices have been going up.

J decided that he was going to start paying attention to the bank account and where all our money is going.  Well its not going where I thought it was.

Why does everything have to cost so much money… everything costs.  Hes asked why I haven’t done any of the things that I want to do though at the same time.. gaah… you can see why I haven’t I done any of it….

some of it is time, I very rarely have uninterrupted time, because if one of the 5 children don’t want my attention then my husband does.  So where does that put me?  It puts me spending too much money on things that I never manage to get done, that’s where it puts me.

And he wonders why I am convinced that I am pretty much incompetent at life……..

Writers block

Never really suffered this before at least not for something that I wanted to write.

The last couple of days I have been just staring at my story and I am feeling terribly uninspired… what do I do?

perhaps I should work on writing something else until I feel a little more inspired.

Homeless

We have been homeless….  it is an interesting experience.  We have been trying to buy a house and it is a much slower process than I expected it to be.  It has been a very educational journey, as has buying a house.  We started off with one that we thought we would pay off and move on from as soon as possible and have ended up with a home that we are going to be in for the foreseeable future, which is really probably better for us in the long run.

In the meantime we have been staying with friends and family.  That alone has been a really enlightening experience, both for us and them.  We stayed with some friends first and over all it was good, we learned things, like just how much work our kids are capable of.  It was amazing!  Now we are at my sisters, which is also interesting, though it is in a different way.  It has really made me realize how little I socialize normally and that I need to do it more.

Prayer

Please God, give me strength.

Strength to remain steadfast in my faith.

Strength to pass that faith on to my children,

and strength to continue to pray for a revival of faith in my husband, that he may be saved from this dark pit he has found himself in.

Back to school

I am once again thinking about going back to school.  Is this something I should do?  I am teetering on the edge of decision.  In one way I would really like to, but i am kind of afraid to at the same time.  If my goal is to get educated so I can get a good job, its going to mean sending the kids to school.  On the other hand if I did it, we could actually send them to the private school.

Do I want to be independent?  It would mean I would be an equal or close to it anyway wage earner, with a retirement and everything.  It would certainly make a huge difference in our finances in the long run, make them tighter in the short run though.

Decisions decisions…. 

Life as a Mom

I threw out my back last week, spent most of the weekend on the couch pretty much immobile.   Might as well hold the baby right?

Now he is quite assured that that is the way life should be… well I suppose it should, he is only 4 months after all… but gosh, not only do I have the weekend to catch up on, I am still much slower than I usually am at the whole thing.

I am still waiting to hear if DH is going out of town on business, he said probably, but I haven’t heard back… from what he said he would be leaving tonight….

3 year olds are funny, sent I. to bed because she was just being a monster… she didn’t fuss about it, figured maybe she would actually take a nap and that would be a good thing…  she pops out about 15 minutes later.  “I’m happy now!  Can I go down stairs?!?”  Well I guess as long as she’s happy.

Sorrow

I think my sister put it best.

 

For children without their father, for a wife without her husband, for people without their friend, all due to a tragic accident.

Prayers Please.

Sigh

What to do, what to do?  It seems like we will never dig ourselves out of the hole left by our daughters illness and some bad financial decisions made in the past… they just keep coming back to bite you in the butt.  We are better than we were a year ago, or two years ago, but that isn’t saying all that much, but still progress is on the horizon I guess.

It’s easy to regret, but it really doesn’t change anything, and its also very easy to get very bitter in the regret.  “If he had only listened to me.”, “If only had had REALLY put my foot down.”, “If only his mother hadn’t talked him into____!”.  So many things, that I just wished I had put up with the crap then, so I wouldn’t have so much now.  That doesn’t change my choices does it?  No, it does not.

So I keep trying to go to my faith for support.  Honestly I keep feeling like they just want my money too, and wouldn’t it be so easy to be a nun?  They get taken care of and don’t have to worry about how to pay the bills or educate the kids…. that is I am sure overly simplistic, we each have burdens to match our station.  Still, doesn’t God know I am not that strong?  Really I am not as tough as, people seem to think I am, or really as I often pretend to be.

Weather

Have you ever missed some place badly enough that you can actually physically feel it?

I have, it is an unpleasant feeling. 

This has been brought on by the recent heat wave.  Really heat makes me physically ill, it doesn’t matter how much I drink or what I wear.  I wonder how I managed to survive when I lived in the south as a child.  It has been 21 years, and I still vividly remember the misery the hot weather brought, especially when told that I couldn’t sit inside all day and was made to go outside into the furnace like outdoors.  Ugh.

Now so many are lamenting the return of the cooler weather, and I just sigh in relief.

yay!

Wow.. check this out.  We got a new computer, after oh…. only 7 years, amazing.   It’s one of those things that you always put off because money is tight and you have other things to spend it on, but we finally did it.

Allergies

I have gotten to the point where I don't often think about my allergies a whole lot until someone feels bad for me that I miss out on all these foods..... then ah, what I would do to eat some fresh fruit again.
I have what is termed in the medical world Oral Allergy Syndrome.... and let me tell you, it sucks.
My particular bane is birch pollen, which means I can't eat so many of the fresh fruit most people take for granted in my area. Peaches, apples, cherries, plums, kiwis, carrots, parsnips, and many others and some, like pears and celery that have the same protien that I just haven't reacted to yet.
The human immune system is a wonderous thing indeed, there are so many things that it does and functions perfectly at, while there are some where you just have to say... "what is wrong with you!"

Over reacting

I have always wondered why people react to things the way they do. Also when certain people know they have been ofensive and are just as at fault or more at fault for an incident why do they refuse to appologize? I have experienced this in the past and it has come up on a parenting board that I am a member of. Mother does not stop her almost 3 year old from beating on a baby, and she wonders why the father is angry? She thinks she is the one who deserves an apology and wants to report the father to the police, because he protected his baby?!? The woman is freaking insane! Why are people like this? So selfish and self absorbed that they can only see their own very narrow world view?

It doesn't make them any friends, it only reafirms them in the quack end of parenting. Who wants to let their kid get beaten with objects and not stop the offending aggressive child? When the parent of said child doesn't take any action, who wouldn't be angry?

Business

Am I the kind of person who could really run a business? I don't know. DH brought home a book this weekend on women owned startups... and it just got me to thinking, is this really something that I could do? Some of the things that I am interested in could probably make some money, which sure would be helpful right now. I hate this whole paycheck to paycheck exsistance... well we aren't quite that bad, but not as far off as I would like.
I mean really I have a hard time keeping up with my blog, I always end up with 5-10 half done posts that just never get posted. I suppose I might be more motivated if it was actually bringing in a little bit of money, it really wouldn't take a whole lot to ease the budget up a whole lot.

So much to think about.

bummer

It sure is a bummer when your computer dies. Our good and trusty laptop that has stood the test of time finally died last weekend... sigh... So now DH and I get to sqabble over the desk top... :P

School is coming to a close for the year

Though my children were quite dissapointed to learn that we are going to be comtinuing part time over the summer.
I was just looking back at pictures for the year to realize just how much every one has grown and how much we have done over the year.
My eldest made her first communion this spring, in many ways it was such a shock, much more so than my 30th birthday. Though that hit my mother hard, her daughters turned thirty and her eldest grandchild started her more adult journey in the church. Wow.

video games and Life?!?

My family recently aquired an Xbox video game system, it has been an interesting thing to have. The kids really want to be absolutely obsessed with the thing which has in turn lead to some very strict time limitations.

Anyway my husband and I have been playing some too, so now some months later we finished one game, and both came away with kind of a "thats it?" type feeling. Rather disapointing I guess. We collected all the "treasure" and unlocked all the "secret" levels, and it was wholely unfufilling. For what ever reason this started a conversation on the purpose of life, and the importance of religion in our lives. Sometimes life seems that way, doesn't it? We rush around to all our appointments and such and make such a big deal out of making more money and getting more stuff, but all the consumerism tends to lead to trouble, in more ways than one I think. First there is always something more to buy, I mean good grief if you listen to the advertisments you need to buy a completely new wardrobe ever single season, I mean really do you *have* to? Though when you live in an affluent area it makes for great thrift store pickings.

I started thinking about the Holy Fathers condemnation of our consumeristic attitutes, and perhaps something like what my husband and I realized is what he ment. Surely not all possesions are bad, but I think it is the letting them control us that is bad. It takes away our free will, and that is what the Holy Father is condeming.